Do you know of the reason? I shall tell you if you do not. You don't? Ok.
It is because I blog in bursts! Rather self explanatory, heehee.
Business over I would like to talk. Just talk.
"That is what this post is about: talking!" decries the blogger god!
My very dear friend came to spend a few vibrant hours with me yesterday; we talked of many things, not of cabbages and kings mind you but real kinds of things. Things that have a weight and add some substance to your soul as you think them, work them around your mouth, and emit them into another hands. I painted and talked and he just talked. We are like a brother and sister that get along fabulously! We joked and laughed, made food, and ended up on the kitchen floor talking about God, relationships, and realizations. We spoke about beautiful things and frightening things and things we did not fully understand yet there were bubbles of joy through out our conversations. We had a good time, it made me happy.
Last night told me something: I think I am a pretty good person. Don't interpret that as stuck up or pompous(isn't that a fun word to say? Pompous! Ha!). Think of it more as a long time coming needed healing.
I never thought to well of myself, to tell the truth. I was either to fat, to shallow, to fake, to untalented or not enough of anything to be interesting. I never two of these things at once, just one at a time. In a way that was more damaging to my psyche than if I was all at of those faults at the same time.
But during this interlude on the kitchen floor with Jonathan (yes my dear friend is a guy and no he is not my boyfriend) it came upon me that I was content with myself. Have you ever been content with yourself? It is not a feeling of jumping for joy, it is a feeling of every tension in every muscle and tendon of your body releasing to be replaced with calm.
I know for a fact that when I am in crowds I cover myself with hyper enthusiasm. It is not a lie, that enthusiasm, but it is a deflector shield that undermines any attempt to go deeper then a
"How are you?" "Good." "Good"
*flits off to prance across chairs and act indifferent to opinions*.
Yep, thats me in a crowd.
I can't help it. I can not focus in a large crowd, too much movement. After two hours of being surrounded I am exhausted. I end up in a corner seriously working on my wall flower skills.
Fact:
My wall flower skills, their good.
I like shutting myself into my Turret(my room) and imagining I am part of some deep novel about a tortured artist and the people she inspires. The only people I inspire are the multiple ones in my head... so I guess I inspire myself? Because they are in my head, Oh never mind.
Anyway. Talking one on one with Jonathan I was calm yet still my bubbly self, full of stories and random descriptions. Jonathan said he liked this Tallis and I thought(and said out loud) that I liked this Tallis, too.
Thanks Jonathan for talking to me. I hope I said some things that helped you too. I tried to.
With all my genuine enthusiasm, The Bursty Blogger *tee hee*
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